Netanyahu and Erdogan flee to the moon
There are two deckchairs on the moon. Netanyahu is slumped in one; Erdogan is splayed in the other. A billboard beside them says: Welcome to the Sea of Crisis.
Netanyahu: At least you can’t see Aleppo from here.
Erdogan: And no one can see us crying here either – god – never been so embarrassed in all my life!
Netanyahu: What the hell went wrong?! It was such a perfect plan. We smuggled in so many thousands of terrorists – we trained and armed and nursed them like one of our own – like wacko terminators they chopped off heads of men and boys and raped women and girls – they looted factories and oil wells – our media threw buckets of shit at their army’s name–
Erdogan: I blame it all on Putin.
Netanyahu: I blame it on Abbas.
Erdogan: You blame everything on Mahmoud.
Netanyahu: Don’t feel sorry for the bastard, he gets paid good shekel for taking the blame.
Erdogan: I’m telling you it’s all Putin’s fault – he’s a shark in a dolphin suit.
Netanyahu: You never want to talk about Abbas – you must be an antisemi–
Erdogan: Don’t worry, I hate the Syrians more than I love the Palestinians.
Netanyahu: So you keep saying but–
Erdogan: For Allah’s sake – Aleppo! We’re talking about Aleppo right now! We’re here because Bashar’s army is two minutes away from taking it back – cutting off the last supply route to Raqaa – he’s about to completely destroy both our projects in Syria and you wanna talk about an old and tattered puppet?!
Netanyahu: You’re right, I’m sorry… but not about the Mavi Marmara.
Erdogan: Aleppo! Aleppo! Stay with me!
Netanyahu: Alright, okay. But I see it like this: you, my friend are definitely finished when Aleppo falls, but I still have a shot–
Erdogan: You’ve got nothing! Soon as they cut off the Aleppo-Raqaa supply route, the Russian and Syrian military will start moving all their heavy weaponry towards the Golan – cleaning up the last corner of the western half of Syria. It’s what they said they’d do.
Netanyahu: Ooof don’t remind me! So depressing! We’re trying to prepare for that inevitability right now. Yesterday we tried to find out if the Russians had recently given Hezbollah any sophisticated radars to monitor the Golan with – all day long we flew our F-16’s right over their bases in the Beqaa Valley hoping we’d detect them using these radars – but I don’t think Nasrallah’s men fell for it.
Erdogan: So what will you do?
Netanyahu: Oh we have a plan. We’re looking for a candidate to start a war with Russia in the next four weeks before Raqaa is surrounded and crushed. A war against Putin on Syrian territory that would keep the Russians distracted and as far away from the Golan as possible while we figure the rest out.
Erdogan: So you only have half a plan – whoopie doo!
Netanyahu: I said – ehm – we’re looking for a can-di-date–
Erdogan: Oh, I see, I see. You mean, me?
Netanyahu: Well… only if you want to – I mean, we’d help – and the Saudis said they’d help too–
Erdogan: You know damn well that you can’t talk me into putting a gun against my own head and pulling the trigger! Don’t you think I’ve looked into this myself, huh?!
Netanyahu: You’re wrong – my guys think you’ve got a 51% chance of a victory.
Erdogan: Bullshit! Stop trying to butter me up! You go fight the Russians yourself!
Netanyahu: But you’re sworn enemies and we’re not. One hundred per cent the Jewish state and the Saudi kingdom will be behind you.
Erdogan: I’ll only do it if America’s on board. You get me America and I’ll give you Putin’s head on a silver platter.
Netanyahu: It’s impossible to do that now and it’s all your fault. Why the hell did you give the Americans an ultimatum yesterday?
Erdogan: Well it was killing me! I had to know if they favored the Kurd over the Turk so I asked them to choose between us.
Netanyahu: But you could have done that on the quiet – a phonecall, right? You didn’t have to be all macho and advertise it to the world.
Erdogan: They’re not taking my calls – I tried to phone a few times but nobody picked up.
Netanyahu: You tried to corner them and Obama pushed you right back.
Erdogan: Okay, I’ll admit it was a stupid move.
Netanyahu: Forget the Americans. We have. At this stage, you really should be thinking about your legacy in the history books. You don’t deserve to be called a coward after you die. You should be called a great warrior.
Erdogan: I AM a great warrior and nobody, nobody can ever take that away from me! Ever!
Netanyahu: Yes, you’re sensitive about that – just like I am. I feel for you, Erdo.
Erdogan: Thank you Bibi.
Netanyahu: I can help you get there – you know I can – you know we Jews can do anything. So what do you say – war with Russia?
Erdogan: You know there’s nothing I want more from life, but… well… Okay… Okay… I’ll think about it.
Netanyahu: That’s all I ask. Just think about it.
Netanyahu gets out of his deckchair; stretches – the hint of an evil smile on his face. He looks around:
Netanyahu: I’m thirsty – they got any water around here?
Erdogan: No, but if we find a twig, I can do some water divination.
Netanyahu: Right, let’s go find a twig then.
Erdogan gets out of his deckchair and together with Netanyahu, they walk the desolate surface of the moon looking for a twig.