Taxi's Articles

Netanyahu, King Salman and the Devil’s Valentine


Two champagne glasses clink in a prism of light.

Netanyahu:  I’ve heard you had a mansion made entirely out of gold but I never thought I’d ever get invited to it – and on Valentine’s day, no less – wow –  I mean look at this place – unbelievable!  A sea of red roses, a thousand lit candles, the Mariachi band in the corner, the kosher champagne – and just look at this mountain of kifelta fish – look at this mountain of Ben and Jerry’s pistachio-vanilla!  How on earth did you know it’s my favorite?!

Salman:  I googled it.

With a twinkle in his eye, Salman places a small Israeli flag on top of the ice cream mount.

Salman:  You know, I had everything on this table imported from your favorite settlements.

Netanyahu:  My god now you’re making me blush.

Salman:  Well I really value my friends – they understand me, if you know what I mean.

Netanyahu:  Sure, just look at you and me.

Salman:  Good old friends, yes.  You know, friendship marks a life even more deeply than love.  Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.  Elie Wiesel said that.

Netanyahu:  I know, I know!  I can’t believe you’re quoting Elie!  You must really–

Salman:  Love you?  Yes, Bibi, I really do.

Both men grin from ear to ear and clink glasses again.

Netanyahu:  To hell with our enemies!

Salman:   Off with their heads!

Netanyahu: They deserve even worse than that!

Salman:  Allah be my witness, I’m trying – I’m trying to crash hell itself on their heads, but…  I need your help, my friend.

Netanyahu:  You just name it, your majesty.

Salman:  I need you to attack the presidential palace in Damascus.

Netanyahu:  But I was going to ask you to do the same thing.

Both men look surprised at each other.  An awkward moment passes.

Salman:  If we don’t do something extreme, we’ll lose Syria.

Netanyahu:  And if we lose Syria, Iran wins everything.

Salman:  You know, to be honest with you, we’re much better at paying for a strike than we are at launching one and your air force is considered to be the most supreme in the region.  That’s why I vote for your military to attack Damascus.  It makes sense.  We need to do something big and do it fast to distract Bashar’s men away from Raqaa and the Golan.

Netanyahu:  Well, I think.. I… I think–

Salman:  I see it in your eyes:  you want to attack but you’re worried about Putin.

Netanyahu:  The chosen leader of the chosen people fears nobody!

Salman:  That’s what I thought.  So you will do it then?

Netanyahu:  I will do it if you do something for me first.

Salman:  My wealth can block out the sun – I can do anything, anything  you want.

Netanyahu:  I want another 9/11 in New York.

Salman:  Oh!  Is that all?  Done!

Netanyahu:  You really mean it?

Salman:  Yes.  But…  It comes with strings–

Netanyahu:  A string here, a string there – I’m telling you for another 9/11 I’ll even give the wife away!

Salman:  Too… ehm, Rubinesque for my taste.  I was actually thinking of something much, much smaller in return.

The men lock eyes, each trying to read the others mind.

Salman:  Yes, what I want is very, very small – fits the tip of my index finger.  Snugly.  Beautifully.

Netanyahu:  Em, do I understand you right?  Do you mean–

Salman:  It comes in red.  Valentine red.

Netanyahu:  Not the little red–

Salman:   Button.  Oh yes.  The little red button.

Netanyahu:  But Salman, you’ve put me in an impossible position – I thought we’re friends.

Salman:  Yes.  The best of ambitious friends.

Netanyahu:   Well it’s a very complex request and I’ll have to–

Salman:  Look, it’s very simple.  You carpet-bomb Bashar’s presidential palace, you destabilize Syria again and I’ll give you another 9/11 in New York.  But, for me to be able to do this, you will have to also give me a little red button with all the appendage that comes with it.  This way, it’s a completely balanced deal.  We both gain from hitting at Syria – you get your 9/11 and I get my nuke.  It’s what I call a balanced win-win deal.

Netanyahu:  But I’m doing a strike and a smuggle and you’re only doing one 9/11.

Salman:  You said you’d even give your wife away for another 9/11.  Maybe you didn’t mean it?  Maybe you’re not as ambitious as I am?  Or, as fearless–

Netanyahu:  No, I really meant it, about the wife – it’s just that some people, even good friends of mine would call this plan crazy and–

Salman:  People will call us mad but who cares what people say when you’re glowing with victory.

Netanyahu:  Oh believe me, I know exactly what you mean, but–

Salman:  Did you know that right now, right this second on Valentine’s day, a Palestinian delegation is sitting all lovey-dovey in Tehran and celebrating the anniversary of the Iranian Islamic revolution with a bunch of ugly antisemitic-holocaust-denying-terrorist-Mullahs who want to wipe Israel off the map?

Netanyahu:  Of course I do!  I know every piss and shit that every Palestinian takes!

Salman:  So then you know that they’ve had high-level meetings with Iranian officials on the side – meetings not on the official schedule, right?

Netanyahu:  Yes I know – fuck ’em!  My Iranian agents tell me that they discussed two topics:  how to enhance and spread the Knife Intifada, and how to bring about Palestinian political unity.  They’re putting serious money into it.

Salman:  And you will just let them conspire against the Jewish people?  You will let them do this to you year after year after year?  Frankly, I don’t know why you waste time waiting to punish them both for once and for all.  You should know that two days ago I issued a decree banning all Palestinians from the next Haj – I justified it by saying that they’re stateless and may sneak in under pretense: aiming to settle there, perhaps even aiming to invade my kingdom.

Netanyahu:  Banning them is mild punishment, if you ask me.  Besides, you’re not doing anything the Europeans aren’t already doing to war refugees.

Salman:  But you too need to punish them before this conspiracy gets out of hand.  The Iranians – look what they achieved when they put money behind Hezbollah.  Do you want Hamas and Islamic Jihad to start calling themselves Hezbol-Iran inside territory under your control?  Of course not!  You must not wait another second, Bibi.  You must punish Iran by burning Syria.  Punish Iran, above all, by giving me that little red button.  You gave a few red buttons to South Africa back in the day, why not to Saudi Arabia now?

Netanyahu’s eyes shift calculating.

Salman:  Look at it this way:  if you give me the little red button, then you punish the Iranians, Iraqis, Syrians, Lebanese and the Palestinians the hardest.  It’ll be like a giant silver bullet shot at the heart of Axis of Resistance.  Think about it – that’s five big birds with one single stone.

Netanyahu:  Yes, that’s very tempting  but–

Salman:  You don’t have much time to act, Bibi – the Iran Axis has already put a strategic noose around your neck.  Just think of what another 9/11 pinned on the Shias will do for you and your grand projects.  I’m offering you a better security deal here than the Americans can.  I’m giving you the opportunity to fight your enemies with absolute freedom and according to your own timing and method.  I’m giving you and the Jewish state the ultimate Valentine’s gift.

Netanyahu:  The Americans… the Russians – I mean if we do this deal together, it will definitely create total foreign policy havoc for them – very dangerous.

Salman:  So what?!  Let them work it out for themselves!  We don’t owe either of them anything!  They threw us both under the bus – we’re not doing anything to them that they haven’t already done to us!

Hearing this, Netanyahu lowers his head and shakes it in anger and dismay.

Salman:  Bibi, just look me straight in the eye will you?

Netanyahu obliges.  Salman takes Netanyahu’s hand, holds it warmly and sighs.  His other hand snaps fingers and the Mariachi band immediately switches to playing a faster tempo.

Salman: Bibi, my friend, I can see there’s a traffic jam in your mind and that makes me a bad host.  I apologize and now I must insist you relax and let your hair down – it’s Valentine’s, right?  Forget our discussion for now – I know you’re not afraid to do what’s right for your country at the end of the day.  Come on let’s have some fun – I’ll help you loosen up – you know what they say: if you free your ass, then your mind will follow.

Netanyahu:  No, I think the saying goes: if you free your mind,  your ass will follow.

Salman:  Whatever!  Let’s go dance like our enemies are already buried under the dance floor.  Come on, I’ll teach you some killer moves!

Salman pulls a reluctant Netanyahu out of his seat and drags him off to the empty dance floor.

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15 comments:

  1. Bornajoo says:

    We can laugh, and I can assure you I did, very much. But there is so much truth and reality in this brilliant little sketch. The dark side comes through loud and clear. I love the graphic too. All the graphics on the site are top class, so well chosen

    Thank you for the Valentines evening chuckle Taxi
    we are facing a very dangerous situation right now with the nutty Turks and Saudis threatening a ground invasion. If either go in we move into mega serious territory

     

    • bintbiba says:

      Greetings, Taxi,

      I just came upon your little cosy lovefest between that sinister and deadly  twosome – just made for each other …

      Funny and scary . Scary and funny.

      Where do you get those amazing graphics , Taxi ?

      • Taxi says:

        Hello bintbiba,

        I get the graphics from google-images.  For this particular article, I had in mind the image of a Valentine heart made entirely of skulls so I entered 'hearts and skulls' into google's search engine et viola!

  2. seanmcbride says:

    Wow — busy news weekend — and many of the breaking news items are directly relevant to Taxi's flight of fancy — you can feel something big brewing in the gathering storm around Syria:

    ==================================
    Recent news of note #43 (February 14, 2016/6pm)
    ==================================
    1. [Algemeiner] Turkish military strikes Syrian regime targets near Aleppo
    2. [Breaking Israel News] Will Diasporic Jews return to the Land of Israel or remain in their countries of exile?
    3. [Common Dreams] Trump booed for reminding GOP of Bush's 9/11 failure and Iraq War lies
    4. [Drudge Report] TRUMP: 'World Trade Center came down during reign of George Bush'…
    5. [Elder of Ziyon/Michael Lumish] How the Jews are winning the long Arab war
    6. [Forward] Flood of Jews departing for Israel becomes big news in Brazil
    7. [Globes] Treasury: high-tech no longer Israel's main growth engine
    8. [Haaretz/Gideon Levy] Welcome to the one-state club, Thomas Friedman
    9. [Haaretz]  Ya'alon: Israelis secretly meeting with officials from Gulf states
    10. [Haaretz] American Orthodox Jews will miss Scalia, their great defender
    11. [Haaretz] New Mossad chief Yossi Cohen secretly visited Washington
    12. [Huffington Post] Donald Trump accuses George W. Bush of lying to invade Iraq
    13. [IMEMC] Israel continues to breach ceasefire by targeting Gaza fishermen
    14. [Independent] Saudi Foreign Minister says Assad will be 'removed from Syria by force' if peace talks fail
    15. [Jerusalem Post] Syria rebel leader meets with Israeli deputy minister in the Knesset
    16. [Jewish Press] IDF source: Russian involvement enables Hezbollah to down Israeli planes
    17. [Mashable] It's on: Donald Trump says George W. Bush is to blame for 9/11
    18. [Mashable] People booed facts at the Republican presidential debate
    19. [National Review] The Progressive itch to regulate speech
    20. [New York Times/Maureen Dowd] When Hillary Clinton killed feminism
    21. [Press TV] France urges Turkey to stop bombing Syria Kurdish regions
    22. [Press TV] Saudi awaits US order for troops deployment in Syria: Jubeir
    23. [Press TV] Syrians see Assad instrumental in fighting terrorism
    24. [Press TV] US criticized for creating ISIL
    25. [Press TV] US, Turkey have ‘a conflict of interest’
    26. [Raw Story] Laura Ingraham: ‘Millions and millions’ of Republicans think the Iraq war was a ‘disaster’
    27. [Raw Story] WATCH: Donald Trump hammers George W. Bush for 9/11 during shoutfest with Jeb
    28. [Reddit/conspiracy] “September 11, 2001 aside, every total collapse of a steel-framed high-rise building in history has been caused by controlled demolition.”
    29. [Reddit/worldnews] Saudis say Assad must go, deploy jets to Turkey: joint Turkish-Saudi assault on Syria now imminent
    30. [RT] 5 reasons to believe Turkey wants no peace in Syria
    31. [RT] George Soros insiders donate to Kasich, Bush campaigns
    32. [RT] Putin holds phone call with Obama, urges better defense cooperation in fight against ISIS
    33. [RT] Turkish forces shell Kurdish camp in Syria, reportedly hit Assad’s forces
    34. [RT] US urges Turkey to stop shelling Kurdish and Syrian forces
    35. [Salon.com] Trump and Drudge for the win, again: Matt Drudge’s army is bigger than the RNC’s
    36. [Slashdot] 'Rogue scientists' could exploit gene editing technology, experts warn
    37. [Sunday Times (London)] Block on boycotts of Israeli goods
    38. [Times of Israel] Defense chief raps West over missteps in Iran, Syria
    39. [Times of Israel] Iran warns against Saudi intervention in Syria
    40. [Times of Israel] Merkel isolated as EU partners slam door on refugees
    41. [Times of Israel] Russia and Saudi Arabia on course to collision in Syria
    42. [Times of Israel] US puts two Clinton emails on Israel out of bounds
    43. [Twitter/Ben White] Tory gov't wants to protect Israel from accountability & #BDS pressure
    44. [Twitter/Glenn Greenwald] The alliance between Israel & Gulf State tyrannies, long hidden, is now out in the open
    45. [Twitter/Max Blumenthal] Barack Obama pledges the largest package of military assistance to apartheid Israel in US history
    46. [Twitter/Samantha Power] Awed by the history & spirituality of Jerusalem’s Old City.
    47. [Vox] The Republican establishment packed the debate audience with Donald Trump haters
    48. [Weekly Standard] Trump: Bush lied, people died
    49. [Zero Hedge] Central banks are "malicious tools of wholesale cultural destruction"
    50. [Zero Hedge] Road to World War III: Turkish army enters Syria after second day of shelling as Saudi warplanes arrive
    ==================================

    Use Google to retrieve any of the above items — or simply skim the headlines to spot signals in the noise — emerging strategic patterns, themes, topics and trends among all the moving parts. (I don't necessarily agree or disagree with any of the above sources or articles.)

  3. Cloak And Dagger says:

    Interesting idea – sharing nukes with the KSA. A tad risky, because when the monarchy there falls, and it will, those nukes could be pointed at Israel. It's a lot different than sharing nukes with South Africa. 

      • Taxi says:

        Yes, Cloak, I hear you.  My political sketches may have a touch of theater about them, but the information they disseminate is based on fact and not on some "flight of fancy", like Sean reckons.

        It really doesn't take an Einstein to figure out what Al Saud would ultimately want from israel and what israel would ultimately want from Al Saud.

      • seanmcbride says:

        Taxi,

        "flight of fancy" was the wrong choice of words — "imaginative exercise" would be more apt — your scenario is based on real-world facts.

        A question, however: would Pakistan be a more likely source of nuclear weapons technology for Saudi Arabia than Israel? Or North Korea?

        See:

        Wikipedia: Nuclear program of Saudi Arabia
        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuclear_program_of_Saudi_Arabia

        BEGIN QUOTES
        It is widely believed that Saudi Arabia has been a major financier of Pakistan's own integrated atomic bomb project since 1974, a programme founded by former prime minister Zulfikar Ali Bhutto. …

        Since 1998, the Western's diplomats and intelligence agencies have long believed that an agreement exists in which Pakistan would sell Saudi Arabia nuclear warheads and its own nuclear technology should security in the Persian Gulf deteriorate. …

        In March 2006, the German magazine Cicero reported that Saudi Arabia had, since 2003, received assistance from Pakistan to acquire nuclear missiles and warheads.
        END QUOTES

        I do think that Israel, Saudi Arabia and Turkey will cooperate closely to oppose Syria, Iran and Russia — but it also seems likely that Israel is wary about getting on the wrong side of Russia. It's complicated. If Russia concludes that Israel is working against its interests in Syria and the Mideast in general, it may retaliate in a wide variety of ways.

         

  4. PlatonsSun says:

    I love your humour an your writing-style!

    And I have to add that i saw this video on youtube. This analyst says that the saudis have already a nuke for over two years now…



    Please keep up the good work!

     

    • Taxi says:

      Thanks for visiting Plato’s, PlatonSun – and thanks too for the video link. It’s hard to believe the Saudi man in the video because practically every single word he said before he mentioned the nukes was a bold-faced lie. This interview was made before the successful conclusion of the Iran Deal, a time when Saudis were saying anything to put fear in the Iranians. Of course, that’s not to say that they don’t want a nuke – Saudi Arabia wants nukes – desperately. Interesting to note here that Iran says that the Koran forbids moslems from using WMD that would kill innocent civilians while Saudi Arabia, the so-called ‘guardian of islam’, makes no mention of how the Koran feels about it at all.

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