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Bedtime Story For Gilad

April 27, 2017 2:11 pm

Okay so I didn't feel like telling lies yesterday and today I don't feel like lying either - so I haven't yet resolved the pagan egg drama yet.  Needless to say, my home and garden help are still a tad aloof with each other and they tried to open the subject with me again, separately, to put their case forward again, but I just waved it off and said I was still thinking about it.

I know what I have to say - I just have to psych myself into it first.  Basically, I have to stoop seriously low and fix it a-la  Hillary Clinton (and 99% of politicians): make 2 opposing statements on the same issue. 

When the time is right (probably tomorrow), I will lie and tell my gardener that I got inspired to eat the egg this morning so it's in me now and Allah will not be offended - I will also swear him to secrecy (on his children's lives and the holy Quran) not to tell the housekeeper that I ate the egg, but to say that I had decided to keep the egg to myself.

Then, I will proceed to give the egg to my housekeeper - I will make her swear on the bible and her kids not to tell the gardener as this will upset him - that she should avoid a conversation about the egg with him, but that if she was put on the spot, to say that I kept the egg to myself.

This way, both will feel that their knowledge scores one hundred and not the offensive "zero".

And that would be the end of that.


April 25, 2017 1:00 pm

I do like that story of baby-shoes dipped in brass.  Not heard of it before but I have seen on my travels thru antique shops, baby-shoe sculptures made of porcelain.  Thought it was just some kind of Victorian upper-class fashionable indulgence.

April 19, 2017 8:28 am

We do not need religion or even spirituality to be moral humans; just common sense, intelligence,  human empathy, sensitivity plus great capacity for love and self-discipline! - bintbiba

A fine and succinct list, bintbiba - a list that I'm sure everyone, including religious folk, can agree on - except that religious institutions will add to this list a bunch of unnecessary human-enslaving dogmas to aid in their ancient and ongoing racket.  Such is the way of the world.


April 25, 2017 12:48 pm

LOL bintbiba - no need to apologize at all.  Thank you for your suggestion.  I can't spend any more time thinking about pagan eggs - I'm on total overload with egg info right now!  But I will sleep on it and see how it all looks tomorrow.  One thing's for sure, I'm going to have to do some lying.

It's just a question of what kind of lie I can come up with by tomorrow.  Oy vey laugh

April 21, 2017 7:42 am
I've actually had this story in my head for a long time but I was always too lazy to ever write it down. Thank you, Gilad, for your article that inspired me to get it together: type it out and share it with discerning readers.
April 25, 2017 11:23 am

So, today, paganism created a little conflict in my household.  Here's what happened:

My gardener is a 29 year old Syrian Muslim.  He lives with his wife and three little girls in a cottage by the main gate of my farmhouse compound.  Apart from taking care of my lawn, trees, flowers and organic veg garden, he also does some driving for me and takes care of the chickens I keep.  He is a wonderful family man, exceptionally polite and accommodating, relaxed, honest, and prays to Allah five times a day.

My housekeeper is a Christian Filipino - she's a 36 year old mother of three (her kids live with their deadbeat dad in the Philippines).  She's a very sweet country bumpkin, always smiling, hard-working: cleans, cooks for me and helps me with my 5 rescue dogs.  Before she came to live with me, she had never before slept in a bed, never cooked indoors, never opened a fridge door or operated a washing machine - she'd lived a dirt-poor life, sheltered from the progressive world by the slums and poverty of her isolated village - but, her rustic gullibility is positively charming and she is very kind, especially to animals.  She lives with me and the dogs in the main farmhouse; she has a very elaborate and colorful alter to Jesus in her bedroom, she prays every night at bedtime and she religiously goes to church every Sunday.

My gardener speaks Arabic with a tad of English he's picked up from me.  My housekeeper's mother-tongue is Ilocano and she's picked up a little English from me and a smidgen of Arabic from my gardener.  I (of course) speak English and also what in Lebanon they call 'Armenian Arabic' (broken Arabic).  The common language often used in my household is therefore Pidgin English.  (Being a wordsmith, I often detest having to resort to Pidgin English, but I bite my tongue and use it for the sake of convenience and expedience of communication).

I've had both gardener and housekeeper living and working at the farmhouse for a couple of years now and despite our vast differences, everybody gets along pleasantly and harmoniously. 

But today was different.

My gardener brought in some fresh eggs, like he usually does, and among the eggs today was this tiny one: this tiny egg that's a forth of the size of a normal egg.  Apparently, it's pornographically called a cock egg, or, the more family-friendly: rooster egg: an egg that's laid by a cockerel, not a hen!  Indeed, a very rare phenomenon, my gardener said.  Being an urbanite for most of my life, I'd never heard of it till today and I'd certainly never seen anything like it before, but both my gardener and my housekeeper had, and both certainly had very strong opinions about it.

All three of us huddled close over the kitchen table, our eyes pouring over and admiring this little egg: it was an absolutely adorable and perfect little miniature, you know, a stunning and impeccably curved creation; and for a few seconds, I inspected it with gentle fingers and with utter fascination.  I asked if it was generally safe to eat a rooster egg and my gardener and housekeeper, they both simultaneously and excitedly yelled out two opposing answers at the same time: one shouted 'yes' in one ear, the other a firm 'no' in the other.  Their loud and confusing outburst startled me and I took a step back from the table.  It confused me even further to now see them stare each other down with hostility.

Housekeeper: No you no eat, I tell you no eat no!

Gardner: Yes for eat!  For madam eat!  Boy chicken for madam so eggz to madam - yes nice from god for madam.

Housekeeper: No no no eat nobody eat - very bad for eat!  Bad 'tings!

Gardener: Me you no good eat - only madam only madam eat - you eat, me eat, very bad - madam eat good from god nice.

Housekeeper: No, no eat!  You don't informajun - you speak zero - very bad!

Gardener: Not me zero!  You of zero!  Good - good eat!

And like so this ludicrous pagan argument went circular and on till it drove me nuts and I stopped it with firm hand gestures.  When all was calm again, I proceeded to question each on the thinking behind their answers.

My housekeeper, though a life-long devout Christian, believes that this rare rooster egg is very powerful: that if broken for any reason, it unleashes evil forces, therefore it must remain intact, placed in a small box and hidden in the dark of a stored suitcase, thus eventually bringing wealth and fortune to the owner of the suitcase.  That's the kind of power it has, she insisted.  Emotional, she begged me to keep the rooster egg for herself.  Because I really didn't care about the egg, I wanted to say yes then and there to indulge her, but decided to google 'rooster egg' first and find out more about the quirky little bugger.  I told my housekeeper that I would think about it.

My gardener, himself a life-long religious Muslim, he too attributed magical powers to the rooster egg.  His native farmland lore says that when a rooster egg is laid, it is a very special blessing from Allah, that it brings good fortune and that it would be an offense to Allah for the owner of the rooster not to eat the little egg.  Visibly worried, he said that if a second party ate the tiny egg, or a rat assaulted and broke it, then a terrible tragedy will strike the rooster's owner (yikes that be me!).  He advised me to eat it as soon as possible and I assured him that I would, while crossing my fingers behind my back.

So now I have this pagan egg drama going on in my house.  I have no idea how I'm going to resolve it.  I'll have to find a way that doesn't upset either gardener or housekeeper - one that hopefully doesn't involve me having to eat the darn thing either cuz I'm now totally turned off.  I will sleep on it and see what happens tomorrow.

But in the meantime, I googled rooster egg and was stunned to find so much folk literature on the subject.  But confusingly too, some scientific information on the phenomenon is contradictory.  Some sites claim it as an impossibility, a rooster being male and all, while other sites claim that a rooster can have sudden and temporary reverse-genderization (or is it genderification?) and would under these rare, biological-hormonal anomalies be able to lay an egg, albeit a small dud one.  Anyway, these rooster eggs apparently have no yoke, hence the small size.  Some say that the chicken that lays a rooster egg is a weak chicken that must be rushed to the vets and hooked up to feeding drips.  Others say to slaughter that chicken quick because it's possessed by a sickly, contagious spirit.

And this, dear reader, is the problem with internet research: often you get contradictory information that you have to somehow discern for yourself.  This is also the problem with paganism: too many contradictions for any consistency, efficiency, or long term system-unification to ever occur.  A problem too when monotheist are not really monotheists in their internal machinations - and they don't realize this inconsistency in themselves.  They are externalized monotheists but internalized pagans.  I think most of humanity is in this state of being, regardless of what religion they follow.

I can't believe how much time was spent on this little egg today - I'm vexed about this kind of waste of time and I have a mind to smash that celebrated little egg in front of both my gardener and housekeeper, point at the broken shell and egg-ooze and say:  There!  You see!  No good no bad no god no gold here, just egg, just small-small egg, okay?!

But I can't do that now, can I?  They're such sweet people and I don't want to traumatize their fragile belief systems.  It's their right to live in whatever mental realm they choose, in whatever fantastical universe they determine best suits them.  And besides, what steady alternative would I have to offer them if I were to shatter their beliefs?  My current world view is immersed in an ideology of nothingness.  All I have to give is a solid nothing.

It's impossible to sell nothingness as a religion.  And that, my dear readers, is why I'm very fond of it.  You can't buy this nothingness and you can't sell it either.  It just dawns on you out of the blue. 

Or.  It doesn't.

April 17, 2017 4:33 pm

So I've written a 2274 word story about the Jews and not once did I use the word 'Jew', 'Jewish', 'Judaism', 'Judeo'.

April 24, 2017 9:04 am

There is a state of mind where one can discard the paganistic concept of 'sacred' and yet positively remain in utter wonderment and appreciation of the beautiful aspects of life. 

Just because the logical mind rejects the concept of 'worship at alter' for its unpleasant enslavement, it does not mean that the logical mind does not heartily and profoundly appreciate the magnificence of a thunderstorm or a dew drop glinting in sunlight.

What is behind the concept of divinity, after all, if not the experience of stunning beauty and breathtaking goodness?

April 21, 2017 9:27 am

Like my story posits, the Hebrews invented a genocidal god to project grand powers of protection they themselves did not possess.  Like a puffer fish that blows air inwards thus quadrupling its size to scare off bigger fish - this is how I see the jewish religious posture.  They continue to 'puff up' because the ruse still works - and very well, I may add.

To my mind too, prophets Jesus and Mohammad legitimized certain aspects of the Hebrew cosmology by repeating them.  This is for the following reason: not even their clear, honest and advanced intellects could escape or fully shake off the insidious first root of paganism: planted in the mind of humanity since humankind took to sheltering and living in caves: planted since awareness and importance of 'self-preservation' became active and organized in the human-animal mind.

Planted originally by the first primordial fear experienced by humans: fear of thunderstorms: fear of petrifying thunderstorms crackling, booming and falling unstoppable over the heads of cavemen and savage animals alike.  Looking like the fiery spears of an angry and punitive creator: to a primordial pagan mind, no doubt.  This explains why the first pagan gods to be worshiped by cavemen in all four corners of the world were the thunder gods.  Yes, thunder was the first to be worshiped because thunder was the very first natural phenomenon that was collectively deeply feared.  Even giant, savage animals (that man himself feared) were also terrorized by thunder and ran for refuge when  thunderstorms would break out.  I see judaism as still utilizing mankind's primordial fear of thunder - even their religious imagery depicts this.

You cannot totally wipe out 170.000 years of paganistic beliefs and mental inclinations with just 4,000 year of monotheism.  Evidently not.  Especially when monotheism itself suffers from strains of paganism and superstition.

Maybe there is no single or multiple gods.  Maybe it's just creation: an amoral force of sorts creating-itself-creating-itself-creating-itself and so on and so forth.  Maybe we won't get the next piece of the god puzzle till paganism is completely rejected and discarded by the collective human mind.  When there's no more fear of symbolic 'thunder' in the human mental blueprint.

This is the best I have, for now - my intellectual life is still evolving and I have not yet found an absolute explanation for this subject matter - one that I fully understand myself, or one that is wordable.

April 23, 2017 10:04 am

I was shocked and very disappointed when I first arrived at the idea of 'non-sacredness', but no more.

I honestly don't care and am very happy with that.  It doesn't bother me not to care at all.  I'm very happy not to care.  I feel liberated for it.  I seek nothing anymore - I have no more desires and no more ambitions, thank god (if you'll pardon the pun).

All I have right now is my simple and satisfying life in the countryside, and my ISness.  I'm traveling light for the rest of the journey, and I love it.

April 21, 2017 7:36 am

Gilad (appearing as Samivesusu),

We invent gods for comfort.  Well, fake comfort, that is.  Hard for fickle humanity to accept existentialist reality.

We are born with no tooth, no talon, no fur no bowl of food in hand - more helpless than any other animal, we are born.  We are also born with no knowledge of why or wherefore and with no physical god or indisputable sign of god.  We're born as if flung recklessly into this world to either sink or swim.

April 23, 2017 8:17 am

Sometimes I experience the world like a witness looking at a hologram.

Sometimes I really feel like there's not much to this world.  Disposable world that we so deeply value - this life, all life, that we consider sacred.

'Sacred'?  What a tricky-dicky word.  So very powerful.  Lofty.  Inspirational.  Yet, so very dangerous.  Probably the most dangerous word in the human dictionary.  The very word-concept that's responsible for our primordial illusion of grandeur.  Our illusion of power and permanence. 

I ask you, dear humans, how can we (or other lifeforms) be 'sacred' when our so-called god put the earth that we live on, our home and our sustenance, put it all on a slo-mo collusion course with the sun?  I don't see how we, physically and spiritually, can be so precious and important to 'god' if he ultimately aims to burn us and his whole creation to cinders.  What a wicked ultimate destiny this so-called god has designed and prepared for us!  We obviously don't mean much to him to blight us all with such a horrid end.  No, we are not sacred at all: we are nothing but this slow-burning kebab meat for a cosmic barbecue party.

But seriously folks, even if humanity managed by some miraculous fortune to achieve utopian peace and perfection,  god's invisible hand will still push us and all life on earth, eventually, straight into the infernal sun.

Utterly boggles the mind why life as we know it was created in the first place at all.

I take from that: that I know nothing.  I understand nothing.  I am nothing.  And I don't care. 

I don't care for this 'god' plan and his petty-minded, uncreative, imperfect, temporary creation.  Useless, illogical creation.  I also most certainly don't care to play the puerile power-games that 'god' invested and hard-wired into mankind: I don't care to be beautiful or rich or famous or enlightened or even healthy - I don't even care for the soft opiates of love - I don't care about anything that feeds the illusion of permanence. 

And I don't care that I don't care.

April 17, 2017 8:35 pm

The vast, ancient Arabian desert had a rich tradition of seers whose names have been long forgotten.  Seers tended to flourish in the time-gap between prophet and prophet (and there were quite many such prophets back in the day).  For the most part, these seers tended to focus on foretelling the approach of positive forces, like predicting the next coming prophet or the birth of a gifted child.  They were also known for alerting the approach of 'evil forces', like imminent raids, wars, inter-tribal homicide, and 'god-inflicted' diseases.  They also concerned themselves with forecasting the weather: deadly sandstorms, auspicious freak rains and such.  From preserved records, many seers describe how a tremendous, blinding and excruciating pain in their skull would proceed their 'second sight' visions.  It is notable that so many of these recorded seers had shared the same intense physical experience.  Modern neurology studies into this have equated the seers' torturous experience with a migraine attack - an attack that if severe and acute can lead to hallucinations.  So what these ancient desert seers took for some kind of other-worldly vision was, according to modern scientific method, a wanton attack of migraine. 

Migraines, btw, have been around for a very, very long time.

April 21, 2017 7:00 pm

Yikes!  Heh!

Don't get me started on the fake Progressives of the 21st century - I can't deal with lunatics and lunacies right now.

And Marxists?  The trendy ones with an American Express credit card in back pocket?  Yeah right!  Fakesters too for sure.

There used to be a time not too long ago when one could find a couple of likeable attributes in Progressive and Marxist ideas.  But no more.  Pretty much everything now has been kicked askew by culture bullies to mean something else completely, even the reverse.  Poor words and their meaning.  Taken a good beating and subsequently as a result, the human communication system is black-eyed, cross-wired and tongue-burned.  That's what a long-term deluge of fake news and intimidating misinformation will do to the face of a society. 

Fake News, Flake News And The Rise of The Electronic Town Crier

April 17, 2017 12:50 pm

As Trump currently and noticeably veers away from his election promises and ideology and towards israel-firstism, his supporters (plus the whole world!) observe and point fingers at the increasing number and powers of the 'jews' around him as being the cause of Trump's policy reversals.  Zionist media in response play the antisemite card and place the source and dissemination of such observations on only the Alt-right segment of his base - when in fact, this view is held by many of Trump's voters from across the spectrum, not just by the Alt-right.  The zio media does this to smear the facts and debase the truth - cover up for the treasonous crimes that dual-loyalty American jews keep committing against our Republic.

A ‘Jewish Coup’? That’s How ‘Alt-Right’ Explains Away Trump Flip-Flops And Bombings - Sam Kastenbaum/